Get Your Orange on!

Last weekend my boys went deer hunting for the first time! They didn't see hide nor hair of any deer, but they had a good time anyway. They were amazed by how noisy the woods are when you sit there a while. Mice make an surprising amount of ruckus in the leaf litter and birds have an active and LOUD social life. I love that they can appreciate that and aren't so focused on venison that they can see the big picture. Paul is a good teacher and very safety conscious, so I wasn't too worried about accidents. I can see by the above photo, however, that we are going to have to have another talk about how milk is perishable and needs refrigeration.
If they wanted to see deer, they should have stayed home. This is Peter the pumpkin-eater (he also eats my green beans) who regularly raids my garden. He is very fond of the apple tree.

While the guys were up north I was toiling in the vineyards of the Lord. Ok, I was selling baked goods at the church bazaar. Friday we packaged, Saturday and Sunday we sold.

The Lord owes me a weekend.
This is what I made for the bake sale. It didn't sell on Saturday (the other 3 I made did sell) so I bought it back on Sunday so I could see if it tasted as good as it looked. It's apple oatmeal bread, with apple slices stuck in the top. This is a very hearty bread, good with cheddar cheese or cream cheese (everything's good with cream cheese, though). Keep it in the frig, those baked apples get nasty quick. This photo is only half the loaf, you put the apples down the loaf the long way. Gotta go, "Glee" is on and I LOVE that show! (Probably because I'm a former choir geek).

Apple Breakfast Bread

2 cups flour
1/2 cup quick rolled oats
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 large egg whites (or 3 whole eggs)
3/4 cup (packed) brown sugar
1 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/3 cup buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 Rome Beauty or other red baking apple

Grease a loaf pan. Mix dry ingredients in a bowl, heat oven to 325 degrees. Beat eggs in a mixer with brown sugar for 2 minutes, add applesauce. Mix vanilla with buttermilk, add to egg mixture alternately with dry ingredients, mixing just until combined. Put into greased pan. Quarter and core apple (do not peel, the peel is the pretty part) cut each quarter into 5 slices. Arrange slices, 1/8 inch apart, in a row on top (sticking down into) batter, peel side up. Bake 55-65 minutes until cake tester comes out clean. Cool in pan 10 minutes then cool on rack. Sift powdered sugar over the top to serve.

Dicks at the Gym

I've been hitting the gym a lot, (not that you can tell). It's probably doing some good, just inside where it doesn't show. I know I'm shallow, but I'd rather have a smaller butt. Anyway, I have been witnessing some rude behavior at the gym. Worse than not wiping off the machines is loudly chatting on your bluetooth right next to me all through my workout. How am I supposed to hear General Hospital?
I love the steam room, but last month a woman came in, and proceeded to slap and rub herself (I guess to get her circulation going) and blow her nose a lot ON HER TOWEL! EEWW! There are signs every two feet saying not to use your cell phone in the locker-room. This is to prevent people from taking nekkid photos of each other. I , for one, am in favor of this rule. I don't need my butt showing up on u-tube. This does not stop some people. Last week, a very entitled woman (who had taken up half the bench with her stuff, and left her locker door open so people had to duck around it before jumping over the rest of her stuff on the floor) talked for a very long time about how clever she is. She had to go over by the tanning beds to talk because I kept turning on the blow dryer every time she came near me. (I could teach a class on passive-agressive annoyingness). She was using three towels, too! The gym asks that you only use one. I admit that I use two, because I have long hair and don't like to have it drip all over, or to walk back to my locker naked. People are thankful for this.
Here is more rude behavior. Now the attendants have to undo the towel from this key, because
whoever put it here couldn't be bothered to. (Yeah, I know, I used my phone in the locker room! TO TAKE PICTURES! I was alone in the locker room at the time.)

Paul says the guys' locker room is worse. One guy (we call him "junk man") likes to plop his, um, totally shaved JUNK on the counter so he can admire it while he brushes his teeth. Another fellow blow-dries his unit, for a long time.

Last week in the parking lot, I saw a truck with testicles. I was so astounded, I forgot to take a picture, so I got this one from a website that would like to sell you some for your car or truck. They can be purchased in many colors (I almost said they come in many colors!) which apparently enhances one's manliness.
They can be purchased in a light-up version as well (google brake-nutz). I will never understand the male mind. Neither will these women: Truck-Neuter

Today's recipe is for Spotted Dick, which is a British steamed pudding. The name is not meant to refer to the male member at all, wiki says it may be an old corruption of the word "pudding". OK.
I like that this can be boiled in the crockpot, because I don't have time to boil a spotted dick for 3 hours otherwise.

Spotted Dick

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Recipe #72087 | 3¼ hours | 10 min prep

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Ingredients

• 4 ounces plain flour
• 4 ounces suet
• water, to mix
• 4 ounces raisins or sultanas

Directions

1. 1

   Mix the flour, currants and grated suet (it should have the general consistency of mouse droppings) very lightly by hand.

2. 2

   Moisten with a couple of tablespoons of cold water, enough to give a dryish pastry texture.

3. 3

   DO NOT RUB, only stir enough to bind the ingredients together.

4. 4

   The mixture can be put into a buttered basin and covered with first a layer of foil, then a cloth (tied on with string), but the usual way is to make a thick roll shape, and wrap it in buttered greaseproof (waxed?) paper, and tie into a cloth.

5. 5

   Boil in a lot of water for two to three hours on top of the stove, or all day if using a crock pot.

6. 6

   To serve, slice it into 1" thick chunks while still hot.

7. 7

   Some people serve it with egg custard, but others consider serving spotted dick with moist brown sugar and a large spoonful of salted butter a must.

8. 8

   Use both if you like.

Men love a hot bread product!

This is half of my bread machine collection. Um, yes, I own six of them. I didn't mean to! It was an accident! I received one as a gift 15 years ago and literally wore it out. I replaced the pan once and kept using it until I wore through the internal metal parts. I needed a replacement!

New bread machines are spendy, luckily they are cheap and plentiful at garage sales. I found an exact duplicate (never used, but without the manual) for $5. I also picked up a spare, in case it happened again. Then I saw a better one, it also made quick breads! So I bought that, too. I had thrown away the broken one, so now I was up to 3.

I tried to give one to Reen (my BFF) but she travels light and insisted on trading me hers (she wanted a smaller one and I had a selection to choose from). I was right to need an extra because the one I was using broke a belt. Somehow, 2 more appeared, I don't really remember how. They may be breeding in the garage. (Keeping track? We're up to 5 - one of which is broken).

The day of Nick's confirmation my mother showed up with one her neighbor was giving away. It seems I am now running a foundling home for unwanted bread machines! Please come and adopt one for yourself. Seriously, come and get one, I really only need 2 (one that works and a spare).

I love to make bread. It smells and tastes sooo good, and I like controlling what goes in our bread. No preservatives, more whole grain, etc. I make sandwich bread, pizza dough, sweet rolls, dinner rolls, crescents and french bread. My new favorite machine (the one from Reen) makes quick breads AND jam! I can set the delay and wake up to, or come home to, fresh hot bread.

My guys love this! They think I am a bread making goddess. They are too totally spoiled for commercial bread. Paul says he can smell the chemicals. I can serve a very mediocre dinner, but if there is hot bread......then it's a feast! Make bread bowls to serve with stew and they'll think you are Martha Freakin' Stewart.

Also, in my defense, the rule is, "If you have three or more of something, then it is a COLLECTION." This legitimizes lots of crap. Makes it more of a museum exhibit and less of a useless dust collector. Case in point:

You will remember the golf cart-driving frog from earlier this summer when I issued my "What is the freakiest thing at a garage sale or store" challenge. He was alone, which made him an anomaly. Over the summer I bought him 2 friends (5 and 10 cents, respectively) so now this is a collection! The "weird little animals made of shells" collection. See? You have a new respect for Mr. Frog, don't you? I have lots of "collections" including my newest one, "Christmas houses that don't belong to the same village". (I may need to stop sharing now, or my husband will have me locked up. Or he'll clean out the garage. I always have to inspect the garbage cans after he cleans, he throws away all my good stuff!)

I am happy to announce the winner of the freakiest thing contest: Laura P.! Laura has won with her entry, "The really hideous jar covered in huge shells". Note that the maker took care to make a flower on the side out of the pink shells. Laura cleverly didn't buy this, she took a photo in a junk shop. Good work, Laura!

And here's your prize: A beautiful pink fan made of plastic forks and lace! I'm not sure if this goes with your decor, (Hopefully NOT) but if you get 2 more, then it's collection and it will go with everything!


This recipe came with one of the bread machines. They are all a little different so you may have to tweak it a little, if it over-rises use cold water instead of warm and so on. Lock your doors when you make this, people may come in off the streets when they smell it baking. You can make it even if you don't have a bread machine, of course, but don't you want one? For free? Call me!
(I may have to start leaving them on doorsteps, or plant flowers in them.)

Buttermilk Bread (1 1/2 lbs)

1 1/4 cups buttermilk, warmed to room temperature
3 Tbls soft butter or margarine
3 Tbls honey
3 1/4 cups bread flour
1/4 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp yeast

Put in bread machine in the order your machine specifies (mine likes liquids first) and set it for basic bread. Whoever puts in the ingredients gets the top crust (I don't make the rules, I just report them.) (OK, I did make up that one).

Hallow-nutty

Look! We survived the confirmation! Paul got a new toilet installed Wednesday night (so our guests did not have to squat over the hole as they do in benighted parts of Europe) and finished painting the kitchen ceiling a whole TWO HOURS before everyone arrived. So, what was I worried about? (I also managed not to bawl at the service, which for some reason turned out to be a possibility). Now I can turn my attention to the next thing..Halloween! My boys no longer trick-or-treat but they may have some buddies over. I poked around the Halloween section at Target. There is some way weird crap there!
First up: DOG COSTUMES! This is the Disney Princess collection. Tinkerbell, Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel (yep, dress your dog like a mermaid) and...Captain Jack Sparrow.( Cuz you wouldn't want your boy dog to feel left out.) I am deliberately holding back here because some of you may dress your dogs in ball gowns and just because I don't dress my dog in one doesn't make it wrong. Necessarily.
This is also odd, but not wrong. I like vampire stuff, I like a nice martini, (OK, I LOVE them),
maybe I need this. But at your house, not mine (I just had the carpet cleaned).

Would adding "Gummy Eyeball Cocktail Picks" to a drink with "Blood Dripping Rimming Sugar" be overkill? The preschool teacher in me sees these as terrible choking hazards. ("Poor Mrs. Ose, she died choking on a gummy eyeball")
Nate says this would go well with a "Shrek" costume.













These are "Gruesome Cocktail Chillers". I can't remember (or tell) if these were eyeballs or toes. It'll be mighty crowded in my martini!
















Party Favors! More eyeballs and some finger suckers (with and without flesh). Also some festive candy necklaces with (again) eyeballs.
I'm sensing a theme on the part of Target buyers.
Probably a package deal.









This was tricky. It says, "Glow-in-the-dark" toothpaste and
handsoap (antibacterial, of course). I pondered the idea of glow-in-the-dark toiletries for days until I again found myself back in Target and read the fine print: "Product does not glow, only container glows". What a rip-off! I love glow in the dark stuff! If you see any glow-in-the-dark nail polish, tell me where to get it, I want some. This brings me to one of my million dollar ideas: glow-in-the-dark cars. Wouldn't you totally buy one? You could find it in the parking lot every time! You could decorate it with a UV charging flashlight (these are for ice-fishing lures that glow). I will expect royalties for this idea from the car companies. Also the chalkboard-paint car.






Here is a bunch of funky-flavored candy corn. Tangerine? Green Apple? Something Purple? Chocolate-covered toffee? (Oh, wait, that sounds good!) I despise candy corn. I also hate those candy pumpkins (and circus peanuts and black licorice.) Whatever happened to mini-snickers and almond joys in a pillowcase? THAT'S what Halloween is all about.













You could add candy corn to this recipe to make it seasonal. (After cooking)

Toffee Chex Mix

1 box Corn Chex mix
1 (16oz) jar dry roasted peanuts
Mix in large bowl

In large saucepan:
1 1/2 cups butter
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
1/3 cup clear Karo syrup

Stir and bring to a boil, take off heat and add 1/4 tsp baking soda. Stir until frothy, pour over Chex mix and peanuts, mix well. Divide batch into what will fit in a glass pan (that fits in the microwave). Microwave at 1 minute intervals for 4 minutes. It is important to stir at 1 minute intervals, lest it burn. Spread onto cookie sheet and let cool. Repeat with next batch.

Quick and easy

We went up north for MEA. I caught a break because my Religion professor cancelled class on Thursday because he was sick AND didn't post the homework before we left. No homework! It rained on Friday and the boys and I sat in the cabin by the fire, read books and drank tea. Heaven! Paul was out bowhunting. About 10 years ago I was sad when I realized that Paul and I would never be one of those couples that sit by the fire and read together. Yet another good reason to have kids! One of the books I read was called "Cake Wrecks". It's a photo book of the ugliest professionally decorated cakes you will ever see. I laughed until I cried. You can get this book from the library, the author is Jen Yates. She also has a blog on the subject, also called Cake Wrecks.

Saturday the guys put a new deer stand. They did look at the pictures in the directions, but wouldn't read the words. Men!
(There were only a couple of pieces left over. Paul says they're optional.)


How's it going getting ready for Nick's confirmation? Well, here's where the toilet is meant to be in the main bathroom. Paul took it out on Sunday. Today is Wednesday. Yeah. He took it out to see if he could get out whatever has been interfering with proper flushing for several years now. We still don't know, but we bought a new toilet which is more water efficient. Really hoping that is hooked up before all the company comes. You may laugh, but Paul one time varnished the toilet seat right before we had company. When it wasn't dry, we had to direct guests to the basement bathroom WHICH I HADN"T CLEANED!

Paul has also planned to repaint the kitchen ceiling before Sunday. He thought spray paint might work. For the record, IT DOESN"T! Not only di we choke on fumes, now my kitchen has a nice coating of white paint I have to scrub off. (Dropcloths? We don't need no stinkin' dropcloths!)


We're having class photos today in preschool. I'm curling my hair, although it is raining so I don't know why I bother. It will be pin straight in 10 minutes.

Here's a quick and easy soup recipe.

Taco Soup

1 lb hamburger, cooked and drained
32 oz reduced sodium beef broth
1 can black beans
1 can tomato sauce or chopped tomatoes
1 pkg dry taco seasoning
1 can corn

tortilla chips and sour cream for serving.

Mix all ingredients, simmer 15 minutes. Crush chips on top, plop on sour cream and eat. As the taco powder and chips are salty, the reduced sodium broth is a good idea.

Balls in the Air

No, the title does not refer to a new yoga position, I mean I'm busy! I have "a lot of balls in the air" like a juggler.

After preschool on Monday I gave blood. I may have mentioned before that I have a rare blood type. I kind of feel that I need to spread some of it around, since somebody might really need it, and it's scarce. If you give blood, keep your fingers nice and warm, so you can pass the hemoglobin test.
I always feel so virtuous after the questionnaire, because I haven't done anything to make me a bad risk for contaminated blood. (Lately) Been in jail? Nope. Had sex with a hooker? Nope. Been shooting up? Nope. Been scarfing down cow brains in England? Nope. Are you having sex with a man who has sex with other men? Nope, nope, nope! I don't even know what some of the stuff they ask about IS! They tell me that if I was doing it, I'd know.

Monday night I had to renew my CPR certificate. I hate this. I hate asking a filthy rubber mannequin if it is all right, I hate cracking it's creaking chest while counting to 30, I hate blowing into it's mouth, hoping to see "chest rise". Mostly I hate imagining that I might have to do this to one of my little preschool friends. Please, God, don't make me have to do that!
For weeks after this class, I inspect every mouthful at snack time, "Only one goldfish cracker in your mouth at a time, kids! Mrs. Ose does not want to give you the Heimlich!"

After Religion class on Tuesday and Thursday, my brain is mush! No new input will go in until the rest is absorbed. I can feel the moment my brain fills up. I spend the rest of the time looking at the clock and hoping I'm not missing anything important.
Tuesday night I met Reenie at the Seward co-op. It's as hippified a place as my little heart could desire. Everything is recycled! I needed help to sort it, but I loved it. I had dandelion root tea (tasted like water you soak a burnt pot in) and french cheese (tasted like french feet).
Nick and Nate had conferences on Wednesday night. I couldn't be more proud! One teacher noted that as our son had an "A" in the class he didn't see what we were doing there. Duh! One of the reasons our kids get the grades they do is BECAUSE we go to every conference. We care and they know it. We make a big deal out of their accomplishments, and (so far, knock on wood) we haven't had to make a big deal out of troublemaking.
Thursday, Nick had an orchestra concert. Nick's group did a good job, but one of the other groups absolutely murdered Wagner. Yikes!
We had our annual visit from a firefighter at preschool. This year, I didn't embarrass myself, I'm happy to say. Two years ago, I noticed that my fly was open AFTER the firefighter left! Nice. Last year, I got caught making the universal hand sign for "Hottie" by another firefighter. (It's not MY fault the Ramsey Fire Dept. only hires lookers!)
Next week, I add another ball to the juggling act. I will be volunteering at Headstart. I have to spend 20 hours (for my other college class) in a class with a high level of poverty and diversity. 20 hours! Where am I going to find that? Luckily, I can spread it out as much as I want.
Nick is being confirmed at the end of the month. I'd be going nuts if I had the time. Instead, I've delegated the planning to Paul. He's project managing, it's one of his many talents. All I have to do is cook and whatever else I'm assigned. I'm so happy not to have to juggle that!

Here's a recipe I found in a magazine while I was waiting for Nate at the orthodontist. It sounded good, but not with the marinara sauce that was suggested. If you need sauce, nuke some Cheez-whiz.

Rice Balls (Not for juggling)

Preheat oven to 350. Line a cookie sheet with greased foil or parchment paper.
Cook in 1 Tbls oil:
1 cup thawed, chopped, frozen spinach
1/2 small onion
1/2 tsp minced garlic

When onion is transparent, mix with:
1 cup cooked rice
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 egg
pepper to taste

Make into balls of about 1 Tbls and bake for 20 minutes.

E for Effort

I went to another book signing. This is my favorite author, Diana Gabledon, signing my copy of her new book. Look how nice and THICK it is! I won't be able to read it until December, sadly, because I have to read homework books until then. I know better than to start one of these unless I have time to do nothing else, because I will ignore the world until I'm done.

I waited for 2 hours to have her sign my book. Why? Two hours for "To Kellet, Diana Gabledon"? I have no idea! It seemed like a good idea at the time. She is a good speaker, I enjoyed her talk before the signing. Here is how she began:

"In days of old, when knights were bold, and condoms weren't invented, they wrapped some socks around their c**ks, and babies were prevented!"

See? You don't hear a talk start out like that every day. Her books are hard to describe. I think they are shelved in fiction, as historical novels. They could also be science fiction or romance. Paul calls them the "Lusty Scotsman"books. I told Ms. Gabledon that at a previous signing and she asked, "Does he enjoy the fringe benefits, too?" GULP! She was asking if her books (which do have some sex in them) inspired me to make out with my husband! I muttered something like, "Bleaaahhh, yeahhhh hahaha" took my book and scuttled off.

She seems to be a very straight-forward person. She said a reporter asked her once "What is the appeal of a man in a kilt?" She said, "I guess it's the idea that he can have you up against a wall in about 2 seconds flat!" And the reporter said, "GULP!" and scuttled off! So if you're looking for a good read, the first one is called Outlander.

Now, we get rain. Too little, too late. My tomatoes are already dead. My friend Deb is a marvelous gardener. I was admiring her tomatoes and asked her how many tomato plants it took to make a cherry tomato hedge that big. Just one! It was so full of cherry tomatoes, I couldn't believe it. Deb gave me a ton of them. I made this yummy jam with them. It takes a lot of effort, and it's amazing how 4 pints of tomatoes cooks down to 3 cups, but it is tasty.

I got my first paper back from religion class. I was pretty nervous, not having written one for a quarter-century, but I got a 3.0! Pretty good, considering. Better yet, the professor said I could rewrite it and try for a better grade, because he says I seem like the kind of person who would put in a little more effort to get a 4.0. Now THAT'S a compliment!

Cherry Tomato Vanilla Jam

2 1/2 lbs (4 pints) cherry tomatoes
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise and scraped
1/3 c. plus 1 1/4 cup sugar, divided
3 Tbls extra virgin olive oil
3 (1/2 inch wide) strips lemon zest
5 Tbls lemon juice
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Rinse cherry tomatoes and put on a heavy cookie sheet. Pick off all the stems. Add the vanilla bean pulp to the 1/3 cup sugar, mix with your hands to combine. (Don't they smell good?) Mix tomatoes, sugar, olive oil and lemon zest on the cookie sheet. Roast for 20-25 minutes depending on size of tomatoes, stirring often, until the tomatoes are wilted and skins have burst. Let cool a bit before removing the peels. Press the peels in a strainer to collect all the juice. Add juice to a medium sized pot and add tomatoes, discard skins.

Add 1 1/4 cups sugar, lemon juice and vanilla extract. Bring to a boil and boil for 1 minute. Place in a glass bowl, cover and put in the refrigerator for at least 6 hours, or overnight. Put it back in the pot and boil until it reaches 220 degrees. Put some on a cold plate and see if it thickens some when cool. It shouldn't run when you tilt the plate. Can or freeze. yield: 3 cups